Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Lovebell ask me what inspired me to blog. I replied her "BOREDEM INSPIRED ME!!!" Quite wu liao hor.

Well well well, I am very bored now as I am waiting for people to visit my home. It is worse than a free day. I dread the feeling of waiting. You never when they will appear.

Anyway, I realised a few things about myself.

I realized that I am quite a defensive person. I never failed to defend myself almost immediately. Haha. Quite a bad thing about myself as sometimes is like yue miao yue hei. The more i tried to defend myself, the more the issue got worse. Something like that.

Secondly, I find myself sometimes insisting on my own way at times. Sorry for that. I am a bit ba dao lar. Haha.

Thirdly, I am quite sensitive about what others say about me but i do not show it. It made me uncomfortable at times and quite upset.

Forthly, I have a high tolerance level but once you over stepped the limits, i can't help but recall all the "bad" things you done or made me feel very upset. If not, I would have forgotten all those things.

(p/s: "You" does not refer to someone specifically. It just mean generally some people or stuffs.)

Fifthly, I am really a lazy person after norway. Have been nuaing there for too long that i am even lazy to go out and even studying.

The last thing for now is i really use emotions and mood to decides things at time. It is not a good thing. Decisions resulted as so is irrational and tend to hurt others. Really bad.

After thursday lecture on mental development,i have been thinking alot of crap, rubbish. Realized that i really had severe short term memory. I cannot remember things that i just seen or do. Really bad. UP to now, i cannot remember my car plate no. It only affects the recent objects. Those things in the past i still can remember. but not the recent one. Really bad. Thought of incidents which i start having memories that happened since I am a child and up to now. Thought of the various stuffs that i did and recall as my present mindset as shameful, childish. Seriously felt the difference as what a child think in the past and now as an adult who look at the same incident but feeling different totally. I felt the importance of having a good environment actually as a child is developing and of course a good education from parents and them as a role model.

I thought of maybe silly and stupid things i did. For example, spectacles. I purposely "spoil" my eyes to wear spectacles. How silly i was at that time. This shows that parents should really teach child good habits and not let them deterioate further. I am also feeling the influence of television. Children really tend to imitate what is shown and some of them are really wrong concept and ideas given to a child who is watching it especially when there is no parental guidance. I realized the importance of the show rating such as parental guidance. It is really important to teach and share with the child what is real what is right, what is illusion, what is in fact wrong, what can be done, what cannot be done.

Also, thought of the things i should be able to handle maturely as i grown but yet i used such a childish method. I laugh at my own stupidity for those actions and find it ke chi.

Now at 21, I have to change myself. I could no longer behave the way i was, especially those 6 items i mentioned above. I have to be more tolerance and take a positive approach in life. I hope I can but external factors may tend to mess it up. I also have to realize that i have to be independent for whichever reasons there are so as not to cause anymore burden on my mum.

Now i am still getting irritated with my brother over the smallest things which i wouldn't if it is other people. To him, kindness beget bad returns. I nice to him, in the end he scold me bitch or dog, i really get freaking pissed off. So what is the point of being nice. I know my cousins, relatives think i very bad to him but well, tell me, what has he done to deserve me being nice to him. He doesn't deserve it at all. At 16, he behave like a King still. My mum have to wait on him like a maid and stuffs. I just do not want him to get his way so i refused to be nice to him. Is there anything wrong with that? I do not think so. He is just trying to irritate people. He succeeded in irritating me all the times. I shall try not to let him irritate me in anyway ever again. He does not deserve it. Argghhhh.

I WANT TO BE MORE POSITIVE IN LIFE!

signing off... audrey at 3:37 PM